aerialovely

  • ← back to tiffany julia
  • the lovely shop
    • Cut Files & Templates
    • Printables
      • Cards & Ephemera
      • Full Journaling Kits
      • Journaling Printables
      • Papers
      • Stickers
    • Ebooks + Zines
    • Music
  • courses
    • view all courses
    • free classes
  • journal archive
  • Login
0
✩ unraveling

noise in my head

August 13, 2020

I live in a beautifully rich intricate world—a whole other world only I am privy to—always spinning and swirling in my head.

It’s filled with all of my hopes and dreams; and fantasies about perfection rising from imperfection. It’s constantly fueled by epic stories of the mystical and the mundane. There’s light and dark. Love and hate. It’s a wonderfully safe space and my own worst enemy.

I’ve always been a very quiet person. And in unknown situations where I feel utterly alone and uncomfortable, I tend to shrink into myself. As a child, I was just considered shy. I would hide myself behind my incredibly long hair and when I was old enough, a very thick book. But as an adult, those mechanisms of self preservation no longer serve their purpose as I am constantly worrying that I may come off rude.

But you have to understand, if I seem a bit detached and quiet it’s only because I’m taking in my entire surroundings. I’m hearing you, I’m seeing you, and I’m understanding you. I am not ignoring you, it’s just that the noise in my head is terribly distracting. I can’t think fast enough and if I acknowledge you too quickly I’ll instantly regret it.

I was told by a college professor once that I’m very quiet in class, but that he appreciated when I did comment because my sparse comments were always something of worth. I suppose this is why small talk was never for me. I’m incapable of idle babble and often struggle with coming up with things to say that aren’t surface stuff about myself or basic observations. I think it’s because it takes me a long time to process and analyze things in order to understand them and possibly respond to them. A lot of the time things don’t need any response to them, so my brain simply dismisses it. I find that because of this, I often react the wrong way or say the wrong things. I can’t possibly tell you about all of the times I’ve berated myself after the fact. I prefer to take my time with things and only speak when I actually have something to say. My words are more meaningful then because I took the time to really think them through.

The noise is awfully loud in my head though. It is constant.

Sometimes I enjoy too much of my time in there that I often forget about the real outside world. More often than not I find that my dreams are much better than my reality. You can say I’m a dreamer I guess, but dreams will always be dreams if you don’t act upon them.

At the same time though, I wish I could mute the noise. The buzz is incessant. It’s there to bother you when you don’t want to be bothered, taking you on a wild ride around and around and around until it spins out of control. It feeds on my worries, failures and fears. I call this The Cycle. Because the only way out is down. And down is a very hard place to be.

In the end, I sometimes wonder how life would be if there was no noise in my head. Would my life be as rich?

www.agentleunfurling.com

TAGS:a gentle unfurlingunraveling

Leave a Comment Cancel Comment

Previous Post
“Hello Summer” Pocket Page Spread | Felicity Jane
Next Post
my artist in bloom journal | journal with me ✩ 42
tiffany julia
Get To Know Me

Get To Know Me

Hi! I'm Tiffany, an art deviant living in New York City. Welcome to my site of life, crafts and love.

Current Location

Current Location

new york, ny

Currently Reading

Light is the New Black: A Guide to Answering Your Soul's Callings and Working Your Light

Rebecca Campbell

.
44%

Writing Down Your Soul: How to Activate and Listen to the Extraordinary Voice Within

Janet Conner

.
42%

All About Love: New Visions

bell hooks

.
38%

Life

Journaling

Memory Keeping

Unraveling

Wanderlust

site information

Please do not take anything from this site. All content is © Tiffany Julia at aerialovely.com, unless otherwise stated. Please read my site policies for more information.

buy me a sweet treat

Follow on Feedly

View
Open
I shared the quick process of creating this spread in my @daphnes.diary scrapbook on my Youtube channel the other day. I'm quite behind in sharing all of these pages (and to be honest quite behind in actually documenting my last few weeks) but it is what it is. I'm not stressing it...just like how I'm not stressing that I'm MONTHS behind in my 5-year journal lol. Glad I've been daily journaling in my planner! xx
View
Open
My new (small) TBR book stack for this year. I have it to hopefully read 20 books this year, but I decided to only pull out about 10 to see if I can get through that first. Y'all, I'm terrible at reading these days. I think I just need to do better at making time for it, so I started reading before bed. We'll see how it goes. Friend me on Goodreads: www.goodreads.com/aerialovely! I love seeing everyone's challenges! xx
View
Open
I absolutely adore this passage about Spring from Jeanette Winterson.

Happy Astrological New Year! xx
View
Open
Baby boy is 15 years old today! He's no little boy anymore, but a fine old senior dog (actually I think technically he's geriatric). He's definitely slowed down quite a bit with his thyroid problem and just general old age. C19 has definitely been really hard on him. He was struggling with his hyperactive thyroid all through 2020 and no one could figure out why he was so sad and blah until mid-2021 when he got properly diagnosed. But since being on his meds, he's got that puppy spirit again! He does have some separation anxiety now and literally needs to be with people constantly. But that's a given especially since there's always someone home now for him to be with. But it's getting better though! The absolute highlight of his week though is going over to our neighbor's apartment every Tuesday as I tutor one of the girls in math. He gets SO happy then because he gets to play lol. HBD Joey! xx
View
Open
Driftwood—documenting the signs and synchronicities I see in my life. I'm paying attention to these little coincidences of life. At the beginning of the year, I took @gabbybernstein's manifestation challenge and she had us choose something to be our sign so that whenever we see it, it's a sign from the Universe that what we want is actually on the way. I chose "seeing hearts" because it felt right and aligned with my guiding word for the year, Heart. Gabby asked us to keep a list of all the driftwood we collect, and my god have I been seeing hearts. And while what I desire might not happen right away, I feel like this is the Universe’s way of telling me to trust—to let go and trust.

Into the unraveling journal it all goes. Happy Friday loves. xx
View
Open
Oh hey, shamelessly sharing this for #thursday3 because tbh I need a different type of photo to break up the feed...

✩ I've been feeling really lost and stagnant in life lately—actually for the last couple of months. Just going through the motions and the sheer monotony of life. I'm not used to doing the same sorts of things day in and day out (probably why I never had a 9 to 5 before). It's kind of boring and that makes me sad. To be fair, I am really blessed and I love my job, but it's a job and not my life, and while I thought getting my ideal job would make me happy, it hasn't. So I've been trying to figure out why that is and what's missing. (Also still going through old shit, but we won't talk about that again.)

✩ I've been playing around with a test WordPress installation on my server and building a little social network-like community on there. It looks super neat, but I honestly don't know if I'll do anything with it. I'm not very good at community building lol. The number of times I've tried, it just never builds as I hope. But like, I'm just really not very good at it! I'm more of a participant than a host. But this site is looking super cool!! It's basically Facebook but not. It's better and I haven't a clue if I should open it up to people to join. Would you actively participate in it?

✩ While I hate the motion of changing the clocks backward and forward, I'm loving the extra daylight! It's making me really happy to finish work around 6 pm and it still being light out. I can't wait for spring!

How are you loves? I hope everyone is well. Happy Thursday! xx
  • privacy
  • terms
  • about
  • contact
  • treat me

© 2022 aerialovely is loved and cared for by Tiffany Julia